


Peep Show

by Demixian



Category: Book of Mormon
Genre: ArNaba, Elder Price is an ass, Fluff and Humour, Implied rumpy-pumpy, M/M, McKinkey is not a pervert he just hates people changing the theromstat, Wedding, churchtarts, occasional swearing; mostlytowards end, or humor if you're american i guess, sex mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 09:27:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7796407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demixian/pseuds/Demixian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are getting heated in the mission quarters, and Elder McKinley has set up webcams all around the house to find out who has been tinkering with the thermostat. Much to his, and soon-to-be-wed Cunningham and his best man's surprise, it's not just the thermostat that's being tinkered with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peep Show

The surveillance cameras are all in order. Elder McKinley checks behind him, glancing at the door as if expecting someone to burst through it right at that second. He wouldn't be surprised; no matter how much he nags at the other elders not to barge into the study unannounced, they still do it.

He looks back at the computer monitor, biting his lip anxiously. The camera trained on the thermostat in the main room is still on normal temperature. _Nobody has knocked it down a couple of degrees yet, thank goodness. If anyone tries, I'll catch them. I'll have them. No, not 'have', that doesn't sound right._

It is not in Elder McKinley's nature to suspect his brothers of criminality, but he's absolutely certain that Elder Thomas has been changing the numbers on the thermostat, a crime punishable by a really stern talking to. He has a very particular preference for temperature, and if his own companion is messing with it, he has to do something. Even if it involves rigging every room with surveillance cameras and using the computer far more than he's meant to.

"Elder McKinley, Elder Cunningham needs your opinion on what tie he should wear for the wedding!" calls a voice from just behind the door.

Elder McKinley attempts to shut down the program, but cannot press the 'are you sure' button quickly enough, and Elder Price bursts into the room, holding aloft a small black book that he has been using lately for planning the Cunningham-Hatimbi wedding.

"What have I said about unceremonious entering of the study while somebody is in here?" Elder McKinley intones, frowning disapprovingly.

Elder Price snorts derisively. "Geez, you act like I just walked in on you watching-- are those...our rooms? Why are you watching footage of our rooms?"

McKinley cringes, a wave of embarrassment practically paralysing him. He dithers for a second, then nods reluctantly.

"Dude..." Elder Price murmurs, gazing at McKinley with utter incredulity. "That's super creepy."

"I-I'm not using it for any inappropriate reason! Honestly! I just want to make sure that Poptarts isn't changing the thermostat, that's all. You know how particular I am about my...thermal atmosphere."

Elder Price simply him gives a rather puzzled look, frowning.

At this moment, Elder Cunningham decides it's a good time to come rushing into the room as well, draped in several ties.

"I think I like the salmon and the green, but I can't decide! Nick Fury likes pink but I like green. Do I go with what I want or what the lady wants?" he babbles, seemingly very out of breath and almost hysterical.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Elder Cunningham's eyes shift over to the monitor, and he suddenly exclaims

"Wait, are you watching feed from hidden cameras in the mission house? Dude, that's so creepy!"

"I know right? That's literally what I said," Elder Price remarks, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I never pinned you as a pervert," Elder Cunningham says, almost conversationally. "Why didn't you mention you were a pervert, Elder McKinley?"

"I'm not a pervert!"

"You're a pervert, Elder McKinley? How come you never said anything?" Elder Price asks, fixing him with a half-surprised, half-amused expression.

"I am not a freaking pervert! I just want to make sure nobody's changing the thermostat!"

Elder Cunningham appears not to hear him. "Have you told your parents that you're a pervert?"

"I am **NOT** a pervert!"

"Well, we're all perverts now," Elder Price says, so calmly and quietly that the other two don't notice that he has spoken right away. He is looking at the monitor with a deeply interested look on his face. "Even if we don't mean to be."

Elder Cunningham and McKinley turn to look at the monitor, and their eyes are drawn to the bottom right box, which shows feed from a camera hidden in Elder Thomas' and Elder McKinley's bedroom.

A shirtless Elder Thomas walks deliberately up to a slowly undressing Elder Church.

Church, now fully topless, lunges upon the other elder, much like a hungry lioness in that documentary that scared Elder McKinley as a child and left him with a crippling fear of lions, except instead of snapping his neck and eating his flesh, Elder Church appears to be passionately kissing Elder Thomas, which is only a very slight step up from the carnivorous wildcat.

It is quite evident that nobody can take their eyes away from this admittedly immensely shocking scene.

"Wow, they must be really good friends," Elder Cunningham says, looking unpleasantly shocked.

Elder Price gives the same surprised, intrigued expression as before. "Bet you're jealous of this incredible bond your colleagues seem to have, huh, Elder?"

Elder McKinley scowls. "They're your colleagues too," he mutters.

"Yeah, but that's not _my_ bed."

The two boys are now sprawled on Elder McKinley's bed, still in a tight embrace. Now, this is a crime punishable by...by...very, very uncomfortable glares.

"They're on my bed!" McKinley almost shouts. "They're on my damn bed!"

He stands and and makes to storm out, ready to strangle Elder Thomas for defiling his sheets. Oh, and another elder.

"Woah, woah, woah, hold on," Elder Price calls out, grabbing McKinley and sitting him back down on the swivel chair. "Let's see how long they last."

Elder McKinley sits back down indignantly, grimacing as he reluctantly stares in utter bemusement at the scene on the monitor. He can't tear his eyes away from the scene, and he hates himself for it.

"They're going at it like a pair of rabbits!"

_My bed...My lovely, soft bed..._

Elder McKinley's bed is apparently very satisfactory for the activities going on on top of it at this moment.

_Oh, why did I pick the best bed? No, why did Poptarts pick my bed to...do his thing? Should I be flattered? I feel as if I should be flattered. Is that normal? Do roommates usually use each other's bed to commit sodomy? Should I, out of social obligation, commit sodomy on his bed? No, no, no sodomy. Be the better man. Just fantasize about the sodomy, don't actually partake in it. If you partake in sodomy with a woman as well as a man, does that balance it out? Or does the fact that you're doing it with two people at once count as adultery? Yes, it definitely counts as adultery. Gosh, at least Poptarts is just a sodomite. I'm a hypothetical sodomite-adulterer. I should not be watching this video right now._

"Woah, they're really...enthusiastic," Elder Cunningham remarks, his voice squeaking with uncomfortable laughter. Indeed, the two boys have progressed to both being not only topless, but also bottomless. Or, in simpler terms -- naked.

 _I really should not be watching this._ Elder McKinley just about manages to look away, staring adamantly at a post-it note with a string of meaningless numbers on it. He closes his eyes and thanks Heavenly Father that he did not install microphones in the rooms.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The surveillance cameras are all now in the trash.

Elder McKinley flicks through the small black book, checking over pages full of names, places and numbers. He turns to a page marked 'Cunningham Suit' and his eyes move down to the subtitle reading 'ties'.

"Ugh, gross, turquoise is so tacky."

He scores off 'turquoise' on the list of colours and shakes his head, crossing off 'chartreuse' and 'marigold' as well.

The door to his room creaks open, and an anxious-looking face peaks through the gap.

"Hey, companion!" Elder Thomas' soft, oddly hushed voice says. He tiptoes into the room, taking a seat on McKinley's bed, opposite to Elder McKinley.

"Poptarts. I thought you'd be out in the village, helping Nabulungi with the catering," McKinley replies, a note of coldness in his voice.

_I know nothing._

"Yeah, well, we moved that to Saturday. How's Elder Price's best man speech going?"

"Not great. It's a bit more customary for the best man to write the speech himself, but since he's so busy with the invitations..."

"Listen." Elder Thomas' voice drops to a whisper. "So, I know we don't have that many heart-to-heart chats, but...um, there's something I need to talk about."

_Don't pre-empt. Blank face, blank face._

"Look, you're kinda the last person I would ever think tell about this but I think you're probably the most qualified to handle it."

_Total surprise._

"Last night, I had sex with a man in my bed, and--"

"I'm-I'm sorry, in _your_ bed?"

Elder Thomas looks slightly caught off-guard. "Um, yeah. Anyway, I think I have romantic feelings for this guy, uh, Elder Church, but it's sort of a despicable act in the eyes of Heavenly Father, and--"

"Just to clarify," McKinley interrupts again, still feigning a mildly surprised, intrigued expression, akin to that of Elder Price's. "You were in _your_ bed?"

"Yes, Elder McKinley. Anyway, like I was saying, I actually really like Elder Church, and--"

"Not the kitchen, or-or the living room or any _other_ place in the house?"

Elder Thomas looks irate. "I am talking about possibly the biggest thing that has ever happened to me in my life and you're obsessed with...coitus geography?"

"No, no, fine," McKinley relents, images of the two men's unclothed bodies rolling around on his bed still flashing through his mind. " I-I'm sorry, Go on."

"I thought I was totally open, totally cool, but now I wonder if, inside, I don't have some serious shame or confusion in there."

"Uh-huh, I get it, buddy," McKinley nods mechanically, not really paying attention. "And-and what, out of interest, was the temperature in the room like when you were...doing it?"

Elder Poptarts looks bemused, and he frowns almost warily. "Normal, unaltered, regular air temperature."

A knock comes from the door, and without prompting, Elder Price saunters into the room.

"Hey, Elder McKinley, do you still have the planning book? Oh, hello, Poptarts."

Elder Price gives a most childish, devilish grin, and backs into the doorway slightly. McKinley chucks the black book his way, giving him a very meaningful glare.

"Hey, Elder," Elder Thomas replies cheerily, no trace of the previous conversation's weight in his voice.

"Sorry, am I interrupting? I-I'll leave you two to...sorry." Elder Prices struggles to stifle a laugh in between each word, biting his lip so hard it's a wonder he doesn't draw blood. "Good luck!"

Elder McKinley shoots him another angry glare.

"Elder Price, are you alright?" Thomas asks, eyeing him with apprehension.

Elder Price represses another laugh. "Sorry, it's just, I know something about you which I shouldn't really know, but I do and it's not my fault."

Elder Thomas looks back at Elder McKinley, his eyes searching for an explanation in his face. McKinley struggles to look natural, but manages only a contorted, apologetic expression.

"Did you...do you know?" Thomas practically whispers, staring up at Elder Price in astonishment.

"Look, I'm sorry, Poptarts but...but, I installed a webcam in our room. In every room."

Elder Thomas spins around to look at McKinley, staring at him in furious disbelief.

"You _WHAT?!_ You...oh my gosh, you watched me?"

"I saw pretty much the whole thing...and so did Elder Price."

Right on cue, Elder Cunningham bumps past Elder Price, sprinting into the room.

"WE DROPPED THE CAKE, I REPEAT, WE DROPPED THE CAKE! Oh, hehe, hi, Poptarts."

"Him too?!" Elder Thomas ask exasperatedly as Cunningham snickers. McKinley nods gravely.

"Well, you chose to go on my bed," he replies reproachfully. "You-you filmed yourself."

"I didn't know the room would be bristling with surveillance equipment!"

Another person jumps through the doorway, and immediately begins to chuckle at the sight of Elder Thomas.

"You told Elder Neeley?" McKinley hisses, glaring at Elder Price and Elder Cunningham. The two shrug, giggling as well.

"Gosh, has the entire world seen this freaking video?" Elder Thomas practically yells, groaning in frustration.

This merely makes Price, Cunningham and Neeley laugh even harder, and McKinley politely restrains a chuckle.

"I came here to talk to someone about this, get some perspective. Turns out I can just read the freaking youtube comments!"

"They might be good comments," McKinley suggests, trying to be consoling. In reply, Elder Thomas gives him a withering, disdainful glare.

_Well, I've had worse talks._

 

***

 

The surveillance cameras are all in place. _Nobody's hijacking this wedding, thanks to District Leader Elder McKinley. Yeah, District Leader. Supreme District Leader. No, no, that's too much. Just District Leader for this guy. That's right, be humble. When you're at another guy's wedding, the key is to be humble. I wonder how Mutumbo is doing keeping track of all the cameras back in the study. Has he ever used a computer before? Probably not, but I'm sure he can manage this one. What if he can't? Maybe I should check..._

Elder McKinley is about to arise from his seat when a small tap on his shoulder turns his attention to the person behind him. Elder Neeley.

"Elder McKinley, Elder Price isn't here."

"What?" McKinley hisses, turning to face Elder Neeley. "Why not?"

"He just hasn't shown up. Poptarts said he saw him getting in a fight with one of the caterers, I think he's had a lot of coffee."

McKinley groans quietly, screwing up his face in frustration.

"Well, we can't have a best man speech without a best man!" he replies, gritting his teeth furiously.

"You wrote the speech. Maybe you should go do it instead?" Neeley suggests.

"I am not being the substitute best man at Elder Cunningham's wedding! Where is Elder Price?"

"I'll do it," comes a slightly slurred voice from across the table. McKinley and Neeley whip round to see Elder Thomas dramatically rising from his seat.

"Poptarts, no!" McKinley growls, glaring at his companion and willing him to sit down.

"You have my permission to film this," Thomas replies, brazenly stumbling over to the table at the front, where a now officially wed Nabulungi and Elder Cunningham sit.

McKinley sinks down in his chair, glancing at a glass that was once full of champagne Thatis now drained, and feeling a surge of painful anticipation course through him.

Elder Thomas stands at the best man's spot and begins tapping Elder Price's glass of champagne with a fork before downing it in one. All the guests in the room stop chatting and turn their attention to him.

"Uh, I'm afraid the best man has, uh, has gone AWOL, um, but don't worry! I am here to fill in!"

The room is silent. McKinley wants to hide his face in his hands but like with the little peep show the other day, he can't tear them away.

_It's like a car crash, I can't stop looking at it. At least he's fully clothed this time._

"Cunningham, Elder Arnold Cunningham...I have known Elder Cunningham for over year now. It's been a long road and now, as you've found Nabulungi, uh, I don't really wanna get into this, but I've started it now, but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry..."

McKinley cringes. _Where the heck is Elder Price? Wow, that's the first time I've thought that without any concern for his safety. He better show up right this second or the next person he'll be in a fight with will be me. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm too pathetic to fight anybody...It'll probably be Mafala or someone. The point is, somebody will beat the shit out of him for this._

Elder Thomas gives a badly-timed burp, but carries on with the speech like the true half-inebriated trooper he is.

"People said Nabu wasn't right for you. That she was...a downer. But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just loves them. And if that person is considered a downer, or even...a yawn-a-thon, who cares? And even if someone loves another man or-- What's in a name? Or gender? Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? Surely, four is the limit." He pauses, swaying slightly. "But is it?"

_He's screwing this up. I knew it. He is well and truly cocking this whole thing up. Am I surprised? Not really. Well, at least I objected a little, so now I can act all reproachful if it goes awfully, horribly wrong, as I know it will._

"What is love, anyway? Is it, uh, an act, or a feeling or-- Who am I to speak? Who are you to...listen? Why is a marriage a marriage? But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another even though now it says it's supposedly okay...what's next? Dogs getting married? Could I marry my own son? No." Elder Thomas shifts his weight from foot to foot awkwardly. "Possibly not? Correct." He pauses again. "Or is it?"

_Like I expected, it's all gone horribly, terribly wrong._

"What I'm trying to say is that people should do whatever they want to do at a temperature that suits them. Within limits." He pauses once more, and suddenly remembers to smile. "Thank you."

There is uncertain applause, followed by incoherent murmurs.

Suddenly, a thumping sound carries into the room from the hall, and Elder Price's face slams against the glass door. Elder Church is bashing him up against it, scowling.

Elder McKinley grimaces, not only outwardly, but mentally, too.

 _I'm sure that speech will be printed on a tea towel some day._ He thinks, his inner monologue's voice dripping with sarcasm. _Eat your heart out, Obama, and Mandela. Elder Poptarts is the best man now. He's the best man who ever lived._

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't noticed, yes, this fic is heavily based off Season 9 Episode 2 of the British comedy series Peep Show, and Jeremy's best man speech has been entirely lifted and used here, with a few alterations. This is purposeful, and this entire fic is an homage to the show to show my fondness for it, as well as BoM! Also, because I was writing this for my lovely friend, Liss, I thought some British humour would be a nice touch. If you enjoyed this fic please leave a kudos or a comment or both! I love feedback. :D


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